I Had You First
by Sonaaa
Summary: Logan has to choose between his past and his future, but whichever direction he chooses to go; someone will end up getting hurt.
1. Chapter 1

i am a horrible, horrible person. i started a new fic without finishing my other ones but i'm stressed because of school and this is one way i distress myself. this one won't be longer than 10 chapters, though, well it shouldn't be anyway.

this is my first attempt at a jagan fic so be gentle.

this first chapter is short, but worry not, the others will definitely be longer.

enjoy!

* * *

"James, we can't do this again." The man lying next to him whispers.

James can hear the regret in his voice and it makes him sick to his stomach. No one has ever regretted being with James. But this isn't just anyone, it's Logan Mitchell; the good man who does nothing wrong, the man who lives by his morals and never breaks his own rules, that is, until today. James feels himself getting angry with Logan's tone of voice but he forces it down before he does or says anything he will regret. He _knows_ they shouldn't have done this. But he couldn't help himself. He took one look at the man and just like that, his lust took over. One thing led to another and here they are. It got even worse when he heard the moans and sounds of pleasure emitting from the other man's mouth. He knows they can't do this again and yet, he has no intention of ever letting Logan go, especially after all these years.

He turns his head to look at Logan. He's still panting slightly and his body is covered in sweat.

_Fuck._ James thinks. _Now there's no way in hell I'm going just let him walk out of my life._

James rolls over and hovers above the smaller man.

"We're finally together after 6 years, Logan. Don't take that away from me."

Logan shuts his eyes and sighs deeply. "James, please."

"Are you sure?" James whispers softly. "Are you sure you never want to do this again?"

He places delicate kisses along the side of the other man's neck. Logan practically _whimpers_ as he tangles his hands in James' hair.

"James, please."

James smirks as he licks his way up and nibbles on Logan's earlobe. James is about to kiss Logan when the man freezes. He looks into James' eyes and slowly shakes his head. James can feel the lump in his throat rising. Logan pushes the taller man away and quickly sits up, scrambling out of James' bed. James tightly shuts his eyes and falls on his back. He can hear Logan frantically put his clothes on. He hears the click of his belt and the slick movement of his hands. With his head hanging in shame, he exits James' bedroom and is almost out of his apartment when he hears the lock turn. James' eyes snaps open. He quickly puts on a pair of sweat pants and wipes his face with his pillow and runs into the living room.

His best friend is standing there, staring at them.

"What's going on?" The dark skinned man with big brown eyes asks.

"James was just showing me a workout." Logan laughs nervously.

And just like that the Latino brightens up. He grabs onto Logan's waist and grins, placing a soft kiss against his lips. James' jaw tightens.

"So did you tell him?" The Latino whispers against Logan's lips.

"Tell me what?" James asks impatiently.

Logan coughs and pushes the man away. He can't look James in the eye so he looks behind him, at the clock hanging just above his head.

"Carlos and I are getting married." Logan says, keeping his tone light and cheerful but James sees right through it.

James' heart drops. He knew Logan and Carlos were serious but he didn't think it was _this_ serious. For so long James had been watching Carlos with Logan, hating his best friend for stealing the only person he's ever wanted and now, now he hates Carlos more than he ever thought he could. And just when he thought he and Logan could be something, especially after what just happened a few hours ago it got snatched away from him. He swallows and smiles tightly as he walks over to his best friend.

"Congrats!" He yells, pulling Carlos in for a hug.

The hug is awkward and cold and it ends just as fast as it had begun.

"You'll be my best man right?" Carlos asks brightly.

James nods. "Of course, Carlos, anything for my best friend."

"We still have to call Kendall and our parents-" Carlos goes on and on but James stops paying attention.

He fixes his eyes on Logan but the shorter brunette can't meet his gaze. He walks over to the brunette and makes him look at him.

"How could you not tell me?!" James hisses.

Logan averts his gaze once again and quietly says "I wanted to make love to you, James."

"And yet here you are, getting married. You're fucking engaged and you didn't think it was appropriate to tell me?!"

Carlos, who had walked into his room comes out and frowns at the two.

"You guys okay?" He asks. "The conversation looks pretty intense."

"I was just telling him that he better not hurt you." James lies.

Carlos laughs. "We've been together for over two years, James. I don't think it's his intentions."

"Well, you think wrong." James mutters before storming off into his room.

He puts on a hoodie, brushes past Logan on his way out of the apartment and tells them he's going for a run.

James goes to the park and immediately starts running. He doesn't care that he doesn't have proper shoes on or that he didn't stretch, he just needs to clear his head.

_They're getting married._

_Carlos and Logan are getting married._

_Your best friend is better married to Logan._

_They're getting married._

The more he runs, the louder those words become. He feels his heart breaking with every thought but they don't stop. His thoughts ring loudly in his ears until it's all he can hear. The birds chirping, the kids playing, the kids' adults talking all drown out until the only thing he hears is '_they are getting married'_. He thought the news would make him angry, but he just gets more depressed as his vision blurs. He's not sure if it's because he's crying or because he's running so fast that he can barely see anything but all he knows is that, he's not going to be okay. Not now, not ever.

He runs until he can't breathe, he runs until he collapses onto the grass, until his head is dizzy and his heart is weak. He lays on the ground and pants for air.

A tall, lanky man with blonde hair walks over to him and lays down next to him. They stay like that until James is finally able to catch his breath.

"What are you doing here?" James asks.

The blonde man looks over at James. "Carlos told me the news and I thought you could use a friend."

"He's getting married, Kendall." James said quietly.

Kendall nods. "To your best friend."

"What is wrong with me?" James blurts out. "I hate my best friend for being happy. I hate him for being with Logan. I'm not supposed to _hate_ my best friend, Kendall."

The blonde stands up and brings James' to his feet, wrapping his arms around the brunette. James buries his head into Kendall's shoulder and finally lets it out.

"I'm supposed to be happy for him." He sobs. "I'm not supposed to be in love with his fiancé. What am I supposed to do?"

Kendall pulls way and looks into James' eyes. "You either man up and tell Logan how you feel or you move on."

"Gee, nice choices." James grumbles, wiping the tears away."

"James, those are the _only_ choices you have." Kendall says softly.

"But I can't tell Logan how I feel. It will break Carlos and I can't move on, it will break me."

"You were almost over him, what happened?"

James doesn't say anything. He just awkwardly fidgets with his fingers and stares down at his feet. Kendall's eyes widen.

"You slept with him?!" The blonde hisses.

"I wasn't planning on it!" James frowns. "He came over asking for Carlos and one thing led to another!"

"That's going to kill Carlos."

James runs a frustrated hand through his hair. "I fucking know, okay, but what do you want me to do? It happened and I can't take it back."

"So what? You two are planning on keeping it secret from him?"

The brunette shrugs. "Honestly, I don't know what we're going to do."

Kendall sighs, wrapping an arm around his best friend. "C'mon, let's go home."

James nods and they both start walking back to the apartment James and Carlos share when James' phone vibrates.

**That was a mistake and it can never happen again.  
- L**

His heart sinks.

* * *

oh angsty, but we all know how much i love angst.

tell me how you guys like it! :)


	2. Chapter 2

_CrazyKendallLover71999_, omg, im sorry? ahah thank youuu!

thank youu, _mandie1511_, and _Cookie Monster Giggles_ for reviewing and thank you to those who followed and favourited :)

a quick update. i'm so proud of myself but that's only because i have it all planned out!

enjoyyyyy!

* * *

James avoids everyone for the next week. He stays in his room and only comes out when he has to eat and go to work. His job definitely has gotten more demanding considering he's a model and all but he told his agent he wants a break, and surprisingly, she agreed. So, here he is, taking a break. Kendall is playing hockey in the rink and Carlos is at work. Kendall tried to coax James into coming but he didn't get out of his bed. When they both are finally gone, James gets out of his room and goes to the living room. He turns the TV on and just sits there, staring blankly at the woman cooking as his mind goes back to the week before.

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. Constantly thinking of Logan is getting him nowhere. It's just making him more depressed. For the past week, all he dreamt about was Logan, all he thought about was Logan, and all he saw was Logan. That can't be good for his health but he couldn't stop his mind from wandering back to Logan. He's taking over James' mind and body and it's driving him absolutely insane. He can't do anything without thinking about him. He can't even watch TV without seeing Logan standing next to the woman and cooking with her.

He groans and is about to turn the TV off and go back to sleep when the doorbell rings. His lights are off and the TV is dimmed so he doesn't bother getting up, hoping the person goes away. But the person doesn't stop ringing the doorbell. Annoyed and frustrated he opens the door and standing there in front of him is Logan, drenched from head to toe. His cheeks are lightly rosy from the cold and his hair is wet and stuck to his forehead. It makes him smile. James hasn't seen Logan with his hair down since high school. He wants to reach out and brush the hair out of his face but he refrains and lets his eyes travel down to Logan's body. He's wearing a t-shirt that is stuck to him like glue. He can see the muscle definition in his arms and the outline of his abs. James can already feel his pants tighten.

God, what did he do to deserve this?

"Can I-uh come in?" Logan asks, avoiding eye contact

James nods, stepping aside and letting him in. Logan practically runs into Carlos' room and James finally lets out a breath. He throws himself onto the couch and rubs his temple. If Logan leaves this apartment without getting jumped by James it's going to be a goddamn miracle. All James wants to do is fuck Logan senseless.

Logan walks into the living room in a few short minutes, wearing Carlos' hockey jersey and his sweatpants. James tries to force the anger and jealousy down.

"I'm sorry for barging in like this." Logan says. "The roads are terrible and I have another half hour to get home. I was afraid of getting into an accident."

James looks out the window and realizes it's pouring, close to a thunderstorm.

"We wouldn't want that months before your wedding." He replies.

Logan sighs. "You're still mad at me?"

"No, I'm all fucking happy you're getting married to my best friend _after_ sleeping with me."

"I wasn't planning on sleeping with you!" Logan yells.

"Well, it happened anyway! Do you have any idea how broken Carlos will be when he finds out?"

The color drains from Logan's face as his eyes widen.

"No." He frantically shakes his head. "There's no way in fucking hell Carlos is going to find out about this. We aren't going to say _anything_."

James stands up and faces Logan. "Are you seriously telling me that you want to keep this a secret?"

"Oh what?" Logan scoffs. "You _want_ to tell your best friend you slept with his fiancé?"

"You didn't tell me you guys were engaged."

"We were still together so that makes no difference."

"Why are you trying to put the blame on me?" James shouts. "It's just as much as your fault as it is mine."

"Look, we don't need to tell Carlos anything. What he doesn't know won't kill him plus we only did it once. It's not going to happen again." Logan says firmly.

James looks him dead in the eye. "Speak for yourself."

The shorter man blinks. "What?"

"You may not want to it again but I do." He says as he walks closer to Logan. "I want to do it all over again. I want to do you against the wall, on the kitchen table and on the couch." With each word he gets closer until he is standing inches away from Logan's lips.

He gently cups Logan's face and caresses his cheek. "I want to hear those sounds coming from your mouth again." He whispers. "I want to hear you scream my name when you come. I want to feel you withering underneath me."

"James-" Logan's voice cracks.

"I want your hands all over me. I want to fuck you so hard you won't be able to walk for days."

James' lips brush against Logan's ear, making the smaller man shiver.

"Just say the word and I'll stop." James whispers.

But Logan can't bring himself to tell James to stop. His mind is yelling at him to kiss James, his body is aching for James' touch. His heart is screaming for the taller man.

"James." He squeaks.

"Yes?" James asks, innocently kissing the side of Logan's jaw.

James' strong hands find their way under Carlos' jersey. He leaves one hand on the small of Logan's back while the other one moves up and down his back. James presses his hand against Logan's back and brings him closer, their hard members rubbing against each other. Logan whimpers, throwing his arms around James' neck and thinking _fuck it_. He smashes his lips against James'. The taller man's fingers dig into Logan's back, making him moan into the kiss.

The kiss deepens and becomes more passionate. Their tongues battle for dominance while they try to get impossibly closer. James starts grinding against the shorter brunette, forcing Logan to hiss into the kiss and fist his hands in James' hair. James doesn't want to stop kissing Logan, he wants to keep kissing the lips he's dreamt of since he was 18 but the need for air becomes mandatory. He slowly pulls away.

"Fuck." James mutters, grazing Logan's bottom lip with his teeth.

They're breathing heavily, their chests heaving up and down.

"James, we can't do this. Not again." Logan's husky voice whispers.

James snorts. "You are not leaving until I'm done with you."

Logan opens his mouth but before he has the chance to say anything, James' tongue is already exploring his mouth again. Logan closes his eyes and kisses back with just as much force and passion.

* * *

Logan stars at his reflection. He's in the bathroom with James sound asleep in the room next to him. Carlos couldn't make it home and thank god for that. Logan isn't sure he could have stopped if Carlos showed up.

He is disgusted with what he sees in the mirror. He doesn't see Logan Mitchell. Logan Mitchell would never sleep with his fiancé's fucking best friend. The old Logan he knew wouldn't give in to temptation. He didn't like this new Logan. This Logan who was willing to go behind Carlos' back and do this, especially more than once. Fuck. He wanted to do James over and over again. This isn't healthy, for either of them.

He wants to punch the face in the mirror for doing this, for hurting Carlos, for igniting old feelings for James that he shoved down years ago. This isn't Logan and what he is doing is wrong in so many ways. He's betraying everyone he loves. He's becoming the men he despises. He can't stand to look at himself so he looks away but not before splashing his face with ice cold water first.

He fucking loathes himself but if the clock were to reverse, he would still end up in James' bed.

* * *

The next morning he wakes up with James' arms wrapped around him. It feels so good. He feels secure, safe and warm. He never got that with Carlos. _No, Logan._ He snaps at himself. _Do not think like that. _But damn, waking up in James' arms did feel good. James has a tight hold on him and Logan never wants him to let go but he has too. He slowly tries to move away without waking the other man up but James' hold tightens even more.

"Where do you think you're going, dimples?" James says sleepily, sending shivers down Logan's spine.

"James, let me go." Logan says quietly.

James pouts his lips into the curve of Logan's neck. "I don't want too."

Logan's heart swoons and butterflies immediately attack his stomach. He tries to supress it but can't. He ends up giggling into James' body. James just smiles and softly kisses Logan's jaw.

"I'm glad I can still make you giggle like a little girl." The taller man whispers.

Logan turns over so he is facing James. The other man is looking right back at Logan, a smile playing on his lips and his hazel eyes shining bright. Logan can't remember the last time he saw James so relaxed, so content. No, that's a lie. He can remember exactly the last time he saw James so happy.

Logan lifts his hand and lets it rest against James' cheek. "I'm getting married, James."

"Yeah, to the wrong person." James grumbles.

Logan looks away from James' gaze but still lets his thumb gently rub circles on James' cheek.

James closes his eyes at the touch and whispers "I had you first."

"Ja-"

Logan's cut off by James' mouth smashing against his. James slids his arm around Logan's waist and brings the shorter man closer. Their legs tangle and their kiss grows more passionate. Logan runs his hand through James' hair while James grabs onto his ass and nips at Logan's bottom lip.

"Fuck." Logan breathes.

"Anybody home?!" Someone yells.

Logan pushes James away and scrambles out of his bed. He grabs his clothes and runs into the bathroom. James groans as he lay in his bed.

"Who is it?" The brunette calls out.

"Kendall!" The blonde replies as he walks into James' room.

When he sees his friend is naked and the only thing that's covering him is a thin piece of fabric he curses.

"Put some clothes on, would you?"

James rolls his eyes and pulls his sweatpants off the floor. He puts it on and walks past Kendall, into the living room. The blonde follows him.

"One night stand?" Kendall wiggles his eyebrows. "Shoulda called me, I would have come with you."

James scratches the back of his head. "I didn't go anywhere."

"Then how did—No!" His eyes widen. "Don't tell me-"

Logan comes walking out of the bathroom, his hair brushed and his face washed. He looks clean and not like he just had an amazing night of sex with James Diamond.

"Hey, Kendall." Logan smiles nervously. "if you're wondering why I'm here it's because there was a rainstorm last night and I couldn't-"

"Save the excuses for Carlos." Kendall interrupts, holding his hand up. "You two need stop fucking or just tell him what's going on."

"How the hell are we going to do that?" James asks tiredly.

The blonde shrugs. "Just tell him before he finds out from someone else."

"No, there isn't going to be any telling." Logan says. "James and I will never do this again. Carlos and I _are_ getting married and I will see to it that we do."

"So what happened between us means nothing to you?" James asks, his voice cracking ever so slightly.

Logan shifts awkwardly. "I love Carlos and I want to be with him."

"Really? Then explain why you slept with me. Twice."

Kendall scratches the back of his head and starts to walk backwards to the door. "I'll leave you two alone."

Just then the door slams open and in walks Carlos. He runs over to Logan.

"Where have you been?" He asks. "You weren't home and I tried calling you all night."

"I was here. Because of the rainstorm and my phone died." Logan answers, clearing his throat. Truth is, he completely forgot about his phone. He doesn't even remember where he put it.

Carlos pulls him in and hugs him tightly. "I'm so glad you're okay. I was worried sick."

Logan unconsciously wraps his arms around the Latino and buries his face into his neck.

"I'm fine." He whispers. "I'm sorry I worried you."

Kendall looks at James, his heart breaking at James' face falling. His eyes are full of sorrow and Kendall can tell James is doing everything in his power to try and mask his hurt. He even does a pretty good job but Kendall can see right through it. He can see James' heart breaking and his throat swelling. He can even physically_ feel_ James' hurt.

"Don't make me puke before I've even had any breakfast." James remarks disgustedly.

Carlos blushes and pulls away. "Sorry."

James just rolls his eyes and goes back into his room, Kendall following. The blonde closes the door shut and pushes James on his bed.

"What are you doing, James?" he asks. "This fucking hole you're digging; you'll never be able to get out of it."

"Tell me something I don't know." James snaps.

"You need to stop!" Kendall frowns."You're just making it harder for yourself."

James stands up and pushes Kendall away. "Look, I don't want to talk about him, okay?"

Kendall sighs. "Fine, are you coming to my game?"

It's Kendall's first game as a Ranger and it's only a week away. He had been traded just a couple of months ago but this is a trial game. If they see he's good enough, they keep him on the team, if he's not, they bench him or trade him to another team.

James shrugs.

"You _are_ coming to my game!"

"Kendall-"

"Knock, knock!" Carlos says, knocking on James' door.

They ignore him.

"You have to come to my game, James."

"How can you expect me to come when I don't even want to get out of the house?"

Kendall blinks. "Are you serious right now? You're not coming to my game?"

"I don't know if I can." James says gently.

Kendall purses his lips and storms out of James' room, knocking Carlos over. James curses under his breath and runs after him. He grabs on to the blonde's arm but Kendall pushes James away and glares at him.

"Man, c'mon. Don't make this any more difficult than it already is."

"This fucking game determines the rest of my career!" Kendall shouts. "You're being a dick for not coming."

"And you're being selfish!" James retaliates.

"Oh, I'm sorry I want my best fucking friend there to support me!"

"You're being dramatic!"

"Says the one who's not coming to my game because he's a little heartbroken." Kendall immediately regrets the words that come flying out of his mouth.

"Heartbroken?" Carlos asks, coming to stand in between them. "Who broke your heart?"

James clenches his jaw and stares daggers at Kendall.

"A little heartbroken?" James snaps, stepping away from Carlos and shoving Kendall. "A_ little_ heartbroken? You know that's not true. You know the history we have!"

Kendall shoves him back. "That's not my problem. It's yours. You were too chicken to tell him how you felt."

James tackles him to the ground, putting Kendall's head in a headlock. "I told him! You know I did."

Kendall struggles until he rolls over and is the one on top of James. "Well, he moved on. So should you!"

"Oh he moved on all right." James yells.

They go back and forth, rolling around and bumping into things.

"Do you know who they're talking about?" Carlos asks Logan, who's sitting at the island watching in horror.

He turns bright red as he shakes his head and squeaks out a "no idea."

James head bangs into the glass coffee table and Kendall goes slamming into the leather couch. The taller, more muscular brunette stands up, rubbing his head and about to charge at Kendall. Carlos runs in between them and pushes him back.

"That's enough!" He yells at them.

Kendall stands up and holds his jaw, running his tongue over his bleeding lip. James wipes the blood from his nose and walks closer.

"James." Carlos warns.

"This game is fucking important to me." Kendall says. "I'd really appreciate it if you were there."

He grabs his coat off the rack and storms out of their apartment.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Carlos asks. "Who's this man that made you and Kendall fight? You guys haven't fought since the 5th grade."

James shrugs. "It doesn't matter."

"No, you're telling me who this guy is. I'm not letting him get away with hurting you."

James laughs bitterly and looks at Logan. "You wouldn't be able to hurt him even if you wanted to."

"Yes I would." The Latino argues. "Just tell me who he is."

"What does it matter?" He says icily. "He doesn't feel the same about me."

Logan flinches but kept his eyes on the table in front of him.

"Did he tell you that?" Carlos asks softly.

James nods. "Told me loud and clear that he wants nothing to do with me."

Carlos gently rubs James' arm. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well, if only he were." He says quietly before storming back into his room.

They hear his door slam causing Logan to close his eyes and rub his temple. The memories that are embedded into Logan's brain come flooding back. He's tried so hard to get rid of the high school memories but it seems to come back during the worst times.

* * *

the next chapter will be a flashback yay.

and i dont know anything about hockey so that little bit about kendall being part of the rangers probably isnt right but anywho.


	3. Chapter 3

neglecting homework and my other fics ell oh ell.

_CrazyKendallLover71999_, i realized i forgot to thank you for your review in the last chapter, im sorry. but thank youuu! and i know, im a hardcore cargan shipper. some of these chapters are heartbreaking for me to write.

_Cookie Monster Giggles,_ i probably should have cleared that from the beginning. james and carlos live together. kendall lives alone and so does logan.

_dummy_, yay thank you!

and thank you to those who followed! :)

ok so i was excited for this chapter but it turned to shit. sigh.

enjoy, i guess.

* * *

James Diamond was tall with silky brown hair and an amazingly fit body. He was rich and spoiled. He was a brat and all he cared about was his looks. He didn't give a shit about anyone else but nonetheless, girls still loved him and boys wanted to be him. He was the captain of the football team and he owned the school.

Logan hated people like James Diamond, people who were handed everything and didn't have to work for anything. He hated James for being so ridiculously gorgeous without even trying. Sure, his mom was a multi-billionaire who ran a cosmetics company but there's only so much that creams and lotions can do. He _hated_ the tall and very muscular teen and yet, there he sat in the library, dreaming about running his hands through James' soft brown hair and gazing into those gorgeous hazel eyes. He dreamed more about James than he'd like to admit. He gazed off into space, wondering how James' lips would taste.

"Hey!" Someone yelled, snapping their fingers in Logan's face and snapping him out of his thoughts.

Logan blinked and straightened up. His mouth went completely dry when he noticed who was sitting in front of him. It was the one and only, James Diamond. How long had he been hoping he'd have the nerve to talk to the popular teen? Since the day he stepped foot into Rocque High but as he looked at James, he realized his mouth was frozen. He couldn't say anything even if he wanted to. For the first time in his life, Logan Mitchell was at a loss for words. He just sat there, staring dumbly at the Greek God in front of him.

"I'm James Diamond, though I'm sure you already knew that." He smirked cockily.

Logan's breath hitched in his throat. Never has James ever smiled at him, never even glanced in his direction before. Okay, well it wasn't exactly a smile but at least he was looking at him.

"I need a tutor." James said.

Logan's heart started beating erratically. There was absolutely no salvia left in his mouth. He swallowed nothing and blinked. Was James asking Logan to be his tutor? Could Logan finally, finally become friends with James if nothing more? He suddenly found it extremely hard to breathe. He could feel his face and neck reddening.

"You okay?" James asked, a hint of concern lacing his words.

Logan coughed and nodded and when he was finally able to speak he said "I'm fine, thanks. What subject do you need tutoring in?"

James scratched the back of his neck. "Math. If I don't pass my exam in 2 weeks I won't be able to play in the game. It's our last game and we need to beat Hawk High."

Logan managed to answer with a squeaky "sure, I'd love to tutor you."

James' entire face lit up, causing Logan's stomach to do flips.

"Can you keep it on the down low though?" James asked.

Logan's face fell. He can't even imagine why that hurt. Why would James want the entire school to know he's getting tutored by a nerd anyway? He doesn't want to ruin his reputation. He tried to recover but James already saw Logan's face fall and bit back a small smile.

"The only reason I don't want people to know is because I don't want them to freak out." James explained. "If they find out I need a tutor and might not be able to play for the final game, riots will happen."

Logan couldn't help but laugh. It was true. Riots would break out. Rocque and Hawk high have been sworn enemies since the day they were both built. If they lost to Hawk, the graduating class would go insane.

"I won't mind keeping it a secret." Logan finally said.

"Thanks!" James beamed. "I'll come over to your place, just text me your address."

He wrote down his number on Logan's notebook and left the library. Logan stared at him, wondering how he got so lucky to speak to the star quarterback, and tutor him. He sighed dreamily as he went back to daydreaming about James.

When James came over for the first time Logan was a nervous wreck. He was afraid it was going to be awkward and that he would say stupid things that would make James leave as fast as he could. But the second James stepped into his house it seemed as though it was the 100th time he was walking into Logan's place. It wasn't awkward or tense at all. James joked around, made Logan laugh as though they were old friends. It made Logan's heart flutter. James became a second son to Mrs. Mitchell after the first 2 hours and Logan was in heaven. Things couldn't have gotten any better.

After his first night at Logan's James kept returning. He came back every single night, not that any of them minded but it hurt Logan because he realized that after the tutoring they would go back to being strangers. Logan would go back to pining over the quarterback and then later on go to Columbia and James would forget all about him. He tried to make the best of it but the night before James' big exam he couldn't do it. The past two weeks with James was amazing. They became so close that Logan didn't know what he was going to do after that night.

He wanted to cry.

James picked up on it and nudged the shorter brunette.

"What's up with you?" He asked in the middle of solving an equation.

"Nothing." Logan swallowed. "Just finish your problems."

Logan was off tonight and James could tell. He put his pencil down, closed his textbook and pushed it away. He turned his entire focus on Logan.

"Tell me what's bothering you, Logan."

Logan stared down at his hands and shook his head. "Nothing's bothering me."

James sighed and put a finger under Logan's chin, forcing him to look up. Logan's eyes widened at the contact.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" James said softly.

Logan melted but pushed James' hand away. James was stubborn and this time he grabbed the sides of Logan's face and looked him in the eyes.

"You're going to tell me what's wrong because I am not leaving your house until you do."

Logan's heart ached. How was he going to live without James? The more time he spent with James the harder he fell and now, now everything was going to be snatched away from him. He didn't want the tutoring to stop. He didn't want James to stop coming to his house. He didn't want to go back to being strangers at school. He wanted to be with James.

James was patiently waiting for Logan to tell him what was on his mind but Logan couldn't find the courage to tell James he was in love with him. How would James even react? Say that he wasn't interested in Logan. Of course he wasn't. What was Logan Mitchell? He was nothing special compared to all the girls and guys James could get with the snap his fingers.

"Logan." James murmured.

His heart did a somersault before it broke. It hurt him that James seemed to care so much. He didn't want James to care. It would be so much easier for them to walk away if the caring was only one sided.

"I don't want you to go." Logan finally whispered, his eyes downcast once again.

"We have another 2 hours. I'm not going anywhere." James said, confusion evident in his voice.

Logan slowly shook his head. "I mean out of my life. I don't want to go back to being strangers."

"Why would we go back to being strangers?"

"You're popular and I'm a nerd. Why would you want to be seen with me?"

"We're not going to stop being friends, if that's what you mean."

_Friends._

"No, James. You don't understand. I like you and I want-"

Before he could even attempt to finish his sentence, there was a pair of soft lips on his. Logan just sat there, frozen and shocked out of his mind. James was starting to pull away but Logan's brain finally registered what just happened. He grabbed the back of James' neck and smashed his lips against James'. The taller teen's hands went down to Logan's waist, settling Logan into his lap. Logan's hair tangled in James' hair as the kiss deepened.

James licked the side of Logan's mouth before pulling away. Logan rested his forehead against James', his hands still tangled in his hair and his fingers playing with the ends of it.

James looked into Logan's eyes. "I like you too, genius."

They didn't stop smiling for the rest of the night.

It was raining, the crowd was going wild, and everyone was pumped up, the adrenaline running through their veins.

"We got this, captain." One of his teammates grinned.

James nodded but he wasn't paying attention. He was too busy searching the stands for that face. The face that made him win every single one of his games. The face that brightened up his day, no matter how shitty it was. The face he loved seeing in the halls and in the stands, cheering for him and only him.

He looked to his right and there he was. Logan waved and smiled brightly at him. He gave his boyfriend a thumbs up and mouthed 'you can do this'. James winked at him and blew him a kiss, the entire crowd aweing as they watched. Logan blushed and took a seat.

James scored the winning touchdown and Logan came running toward him. James wrapped his boyfriend up in his arms and kissed him with so much passion everyone on the field and bleachers felt it. James slowly pulled away and cupped Logan's cheek with his right hand.

He brought his forehead to Logan's and softly whispered "I love you."

Logan looked into James' eyes and responded with an equally soft "I love you too."

They were so in love; nothing could break them apart, not even James' homophobic mother. They were the perfect couple, everyone wanted to be them. Everyone wanted what they had but their blissful moments soon came to an end.

Logan got accepted to Columbia University and James got a football scholarship to NYU.

"You want to go to Columbia?" James asked, once Logan told him the news.

Logan nodded. "It's a great school."

"So is NYU, didn't you get accepted there?"

"Well, yeah but I want to go to Columbia."

James blinked. "You're saying you want to move a million miles away? A million miles away from me?"

Logan took a step closer. "I don't want to move away from you but I really, really want to go to Columbia."

James took a step back. "But that will mean we won't be together anymore."

The shorter brunette frowned. "It doesn't have to mean that. We can do the long distance thing."

"I don't want to do the long distance thing." James said impatiently. "I want to have you next to me. I want to share an apartment with you."

"James, I-"

"James!" Kendall, James' best friend, yelled, bursting through James's door. "I got into NYU! Yo, we're gonna have so much fun together!"

He stopped in his tracks when he realized James was distraught and the atmosphere was all tense. He looked at his best friend then to Logan and then back again.

"You guys okay?"

"No!" James blurted out. "He wants to go to Columbia instead of to NYU with me."

"Columbia's been my first choice ever since I was a kid!" Logan retaliated. "This is a dream come true for me! Try to understand."

"I understand perfectly well. You're choosing med school over me."

Logan sighed deeply. "And you're being selfish."

"I'm gonna leave you two alone…" Kendall's voice faded as he bolted out of the room.

"If being selfish means wanting to be with you then yes, I am selfish."

Logan walked closer to him and wrapped his arms around James' middle. "We can still be together."

"That's gonna be hard when I'll never get to see you." James huffed out.

Logan let go but intertwined his fingers in James'. "I'll visit during the holidays."

"Logan, please."

"I'm going to Columbia, James." Logan said quietly. "You can either accept it and let us be together or you can be stubborn about it and move on."

James looked at him long and hard before letting go of Logan's hand and stepping away from him.

"I'll be stubborn and move on." His voice shook.

Logan's entire face fell and his hands dropped to his sides, the acceptance letter falling to the floor. He felt his knees getting weak and his breathing come to a stop. He felt nausea wash over him as he stood there, staring at the only face he's ever loved.

Tears slowly welled up in Logan's eyes. "Are you serious, James?"

James looked away, tears starting to blur his vision as well. "I guess I'll see you around."

Logan didn't say anything but quietly left James' house, forgetting his letter and his favourite cardigan. He was so heart broken, the blood pounding loudly in his ears that he didn't hear James silent plea. He didn't hear James apologize and call out for him. He didn't see James' entire life come crashing down. He didn't see James get shattered as he collapsed onto the floor. Kendall walked into the living room and gently closed the door.

He sat down next to his best friend and softly asks "what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I wish I knew." James mumbled, burying his head in his hands.

Logan went to Columbia University heartbroken and depressed but that slowly started to change when he met Carlos Garcia. Carlos was the opposite of everyone. He was so full of energy and you never saw him frown. He loved life and made those around him love it too. They instantly became the best of friends after their first encounter and finally started dating after their graduation.

Carlos always spoke about his best friends, Kendall and James. The first time Carlos mentioned them Logan couldn't breathe. He had a panic attack and felt himself breaking all over again but Carlos never told Logan their last names. Logan pretended that Kendall and James weren't the same Kendall and James he went to high school with. Pretending made the pain less bearable but it didn't take it away completely.

Carlos moved to New York and asked Logan to come with him. Logan argued and protested as much as he could but the second he looked into Carlos' loving brown eyes he couldn't say no. So, he packed up and was on his way to starting his career in New York's finest hospital. Logan was old fashioned and wasn't ready to move into an apartment with Carlos so the Latino called up his best friend and arranged to move in with him.

James and Logan finally met after 4 long years and just like that all of Logan' feelings came rushing back.

They were standing in front of each other, Carlos introducing them.

Goddamn it, he was still as gorgeous as ever.

Logan felt his entire body about to break down. He felt his chest tightening and his throat closing up. His heart was beating so fast in his chest he was sure James and Carlos could hear. He looked into those gorgeous hazel eyes and felt his heart fall to the pit of his stomach.

He was going to be physically ill.

"This is Logan?" James choked out.

Carlos nodded, his face lighting up like a goddamn Christmas tree.

"Nice to meet you." James smiled tightly.

Logan blinked back his tears. "Yeah, you too."

"I have a lunch date with Kendall." James lied and stormed out of the apartment.

* * *

Logan opens his eyes, coming back to present day. Carlos is still standing there, looking confused as ever. He takes his phone out and calls Kendall, going into his room. Logan sits there, running a shaky hand through his hair.

"Fuck, I still love him." He mutters.

What a small fucking world, right? He just had to end up with his ex's best friend.

He takes a few breaths before walking to James' door. He knocks.

"Go away."

"James." Logan says and opens the door.

James is lying down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with a blank look on his face.

"You okay?" Logan asks softly.

"I'm fine, go away."

"You could have a concussion." Logan says and walks over to James. "Now sit up."

"I said go away."

"James, you could seriously have a concussion."

James flips over to his side so he doesn't have to see Logan's face.

"Since when do you care?" He grumbles.

"James, don't do this." Logan says tiredly.

"Then get out."

"James-"

James shoots out of his bed. "No, Logan. You can't do this to me anymore. You can't fucking tell me you don't want anything to do with me then come in and see if I'm alright."

"Fuck, James." Logan snaps. "You can't expect me to stop caring about you!"

"Yeah, well why not?" James growls. "You did a fine job of getting over me."

"You broke up with me!"

"You're the one who walked out that door!"

"You made me!"

"I didn't make you choose a school a million miles away from me!" His voice breaks. "I am not the one who ruined this relationship."

"You're the one who didn't want to be with me! You're the one who wanted to end it!"

James laughs bitterly. "I wanted to end it? That's why I begged you to come back, right?"

Logan frowns. "What are you talking about?"

"You chose med school over me." James says quietly. "How was I supposed to compete with all the smart people you were going to go to school with?"

"Oh, James." Logan says softly, wanting to reach out and hug him but resisting the urge. "No one could ever compete with you, you'd win."

James looks into Logan's eyes, his hazel eyes blurry. "Clearly, I didn't if you're getting married to someone else."

His words slice Logan's heart in half.

James' eyes are empty and he's shaking slightly. His expression is wounded and Logan sees the teenage James who was afraid of coming out to his parents. He sees the fragile and tender hearted James he hadn't seen in a long, long time. It finally hits Logan just how much James is hurting. He can't even begin to imagine how he would feel if the situation were reversed. If James was the one getting married Logan probably wouldn't even get out of his room until he rotted to death.

Looking at James and seeing just how strong he really is, makes him proud but also breaks his heart. This is all his fault. _He's_ the cause of James' misery. _He's_ responsible for causing James all this grief.

"James," his voice is weak even to his own ears "I'm sorry."

"For what?" James asks silently. "It's not your fault I'm not good enough for you."

"James," this time Logan does take a step closer and reaches out "that's not true and you know it."

He places a gentle hand on James' arm. The taller man tenses up and stiffens under his touch but doesn't move away.

James shakes his head, already tired with the conversation. "Whatever, Logan, I don't have the energy to care anymore."

The brunette sighs. "Just let me check if you're alright."

"Whatever happens to me is none or your business."

"Yes, it is." Logan presses.

"I'm nothing to you anymore, Logan. What does my health matter to you?"

"Don't say that." Logan frowns. "You mean more to me than you think."

"Don't give me false hope."

"James-"

"Get out, please."

James' tone is so broken, so frail, and so heart wrenchingly dejected that Logan doesn't have the heart to argue. He wants to stay and make sure nothing happens to James but instead he nods and slowly closes the door.

* * *

ohhhh who loves the angst because i sure do.


	4. Chapter 4

_waitingFORthePERFECTsong9092_, im fucking laughing. i've never made a mistake as dumb as this in my entire life. but it's ok, we'll make it an AU where columbia is in another country and not in the states.

probably should have done my research tho...

_Ozzy And Daniel_, it's heartbreaking for me to write and right now, i dont know if i want to go with cargan or jagan but i hope you stick to reading it!

thank youuuu to every single one of you who reviewed, favourited, and alerted.

you guys have no idea how happy you make me :)

im proud of this chapter so, enjoy!

* * *

James does end up doing to Kendall's game but he might as well have not gone at all. He barely pays any attention to the game, not only because he can't stop thinking about Logan but also because he _hates_ hockey. He will never understand how Kendall likes the game. He thinks it's stupid and utterly boring. It's a wonder he and Kendall are even friends. Sure, they were the best of friends in elementary and junior high but once they got to high school they sort of separated. Kendall loved hockey and joined the team and James joined football. Hockey and football players were rivals back in their high school but somehow it didn't phase their friendship at all. Their teammates hated it but learned to live with it.

His gaze wanders around until it falls on Kendall. Their eyes meet and Kendall grins at him before body slamming one of the members of the opposing team.

"Go Kendall!" James yells, a grin on his face as well.

He loves Kendall and wouldn't know what to do without him. He's the only reason James is even alive right now. He watches the blonde and can't help but feel envy bubbling inside him. Kendall's making a career out of what he loves and James wishes he could have done that. He could be playing for the Giants right now, living his dream but he isn't. He doesn't mind modeling, he really doesn't but he would rather be on a field throwing a football around and tackling the opposing team to the ground. He wants to win trophies and make money with what he absolutely loves. Modeling isn't half as great as football. Modeling doesn't give him adrenaline, doesn't make him breath heavily, doesn't have millions of fans shouting and cheering him on. Modeling doesn't have any of the things James wants in a career but it's his fault he isn't playing for the Giants. If he hadn't let Logan go, he wouldn't be here right now.

Logan.

God, he was so fucking stupid. How did he let the only good thing in his life walk out of it? Most of his best memories are of him and Logan. He wants to stab himself in the eye. He shouldn't have let Logan walk out that door that day. He shouldn't have let Logan leave by breaking up with him. What he should have done was let him go without being a selfish jackass. If he could go back in time, he would, a thousand times and make everything right. If James had been a good boyfriend they would still be together. It's all his fault that they aren't together anymore. It was his stupidity that landed him single.

James sighs and slumps down in the seats. He hates his life. Hates it more than he's hated anything. The one and only love of his life is getting married, to his best fucking friend.

Ain't life grand?

Why the fuck didn't Carlos go to high school with them? Why was he shipped off to god knows where? Fucking Carlos had to be a rebel and get his ass sent away.

"Who's winning?" Carlos yells, snapping James out of his thoughts.

"What?" He looks up at Carlos and his fiancé. "Oh, the Rangers."

"Hey, can you sit next to James?" Carlos asks Logan. "I like the aisle seat."

"I don't think-" Logan starts to say but is cut off by Carlos' lips.

"Thanks babe." Carlos grins and takes a seat.

Logan coughs awkwardly and sits next to James.

"Since when are you a fan of hockey?" James asks Logan.

Logan shrugs. "Never, just thought I should support a friend."

"Well, can you support him somewhere else?" James asks irritably.

"Don't behave like a child. Get used to not having your way for once."

James glares at him. "I'm never gonna get used to it, you should be with me."

Logan looks at Carlos, making sure the Latino can't hear before turning back to James.

"You broke up with me!" Logan hisses. "You have no right telling me we should be together when you didn't want to be with me 6 years ago."

"People make mistakes." James shrugs.

"Yeah? Well you're gonna have to pay for that mistake."

"By you getting married to Carlos?! That's a huge punishment!"

"Not bigger than your ego."

"You know what?" James snaps. "I hope you two are happy but when he's fucking you, try not to scream out my name."

Logan turns absolutely scarlet. James stands up angrily and stomps out of the stadium, Kendall scoring the winning goal as he leaves. Kendall notices and tries to run after him but his teammates have him gripped into their arms. He tries breaking free but by the time he's actually able to leave the rink, James is already gone.

* * *

"I'm officially a Ranger." Kendall announces once he finally gets to James' apartment.

He didn't go out celebrating like his friends did. They tried getting him to come with them but he didn't really feel up to it, especially when James was all depressed at home and doing nothing.

"Congratulations, really." James' voice is void of any enthusiasm.

Kendall puts the coffee on.

"I know I don't' sound happy but I am. I'm really happy for you I'm just too miserable to actually show it." James says.

"You have to move on, James." Kendall says softly.

"I know," James swallows "but I don't think I have the strength."

"Baby steps, James." Kendall grins. "Now, c'mon, let's start that tonight."

"What?"

"Let's go out and celebrate me getting the spot."

"I don't know, man."

"C'mon, it might lighten you up."

James thinks about it. It really isn't fair that Kendall becomes a Ranger and all he does is stay at home because James is sulking. It's time for James to move on anyway. He has to stop pining over a man who wants nothing to do with him. He nods.

Tonight is the night, Logan. The night James forgets about you and what you've done to him. It's the night James is going to permanently remove you from his brain.

"Alright, let's do it but let me change." James walks into his room and changes into black skinnies and a white v-neck.

That night he gets unbelievably drunk and invites a man over to his place. He doesn't remember half the events that took place last night and he could care less about it. With a hangover he gets up the next morning with legs draped all over him. He groans, hoping it's not who he thinks it is. He slowly opens his eyes and lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes it's a man he's never seen in his life. He shoves the man away and puts on a pair of shorts. He runs a hand through his messy hair, hoping his fingers work like a brush and walks into the kitchen. Carlos and Logan are sitting at the kitchen table, having breakfast.

"Morning." James mutters, pouring coffee in his cup.

"One night stand?" Carlos grins.

James looks at his best friend and winks. "You know it." If only he could remember it.

The plastic spoon in Logan's hand snaps in two. James and Carlos look at Logan but Logan is staring at his plate, his eyebrows pushed together and his hands balled up into fists. James' heart does something weird. He's never seen Logan jealous before and he decides that he likes it. It even turns him on. He grins, walking past Logan, brushing his hand up against Logan's back and leaving the room. Logan tenses at the uncalled contact but his angry glare continues to burn the plate in front of him.

_2 can play at this game, Logan._

* * *

He continues his little routine. He brings home a different man every night when he knows Logan will be over. It works for a little while. He loves the way Logan turns red from anger and he loves the way he can feel Logan's jealous from a mile away. But it doesn't last very long. His games make Logan get more and more frustrated and jealous until one day, Logan gets fed up and stops showing up at their apartment at all.

James was hoping that every time he slept with a man, a memory of Logan would wash away but it never did. It just makes things worse. He sometimes ends up screaming out Logan's name instead of the man's. He barely even remembers their names and when he fucks them, he pictures Logan's face, pictures it's Logan's lips he's kissing and not some stranger's. The men don't remember anything in the morning but James does. He remembers how he called out Logan's name the night before, how he orgasmed to Logan's face. He remembers everything he wishes he could forget.

He's in bed with a man tonight. A man with brown eyes and brown hair. He resembles Logan a little bit and this time he wasn't drunk in picking the man up. He saw him from across the dance floor and something tingled in is stomach. He looks down at the man sleeping peacefully and tries to remember his name.

Is it Trevor? Trevin? Trenton? All he knows is that it starts with a T. He groans, throwing himself back no his bed when the doorbell rings. He groans once again. If Carlos forgot his keys again, he is a dead man. He puts on a pair of shorts and runs to open the door. Logan is standing in front of him, his eyes bloodshot and his hair all over the place. He pushes past James and stalks into his apartment. James closes the door but doesn't move. He turns around to face Logan and waits for him to erupt.

"What is your problem?" Logan grits out, his voice torn and dejected.

"What's yours?" James replies smartly.

"My problem is you fucking every living thing in sight!"

The taller man rolls his eyes. "That's none of your business."

"It damn well is!"

James' entire demeanor changes. He becomes angry, his hands immediately balling up into fists. His teeth start grinding and his breathing picks up it's pace.

"Who I _fuck_ is none your business the way you getting married to _my_ best friend is none of mine's." James snaps through clenched teeth.

Logan flinches and visibly deflates.

"Get off your fucking high hoarse because we're not together anymore and whoever is in my bed is none of your fucking concern."

"James, I can't do this anymore." Logan whispers. "It hurts."

"It hurts seeing me sleep with another man?" James sneers. "How do you think I feel knowing that you're getting married to my _best friend_? That you're settling down and starting a family with someone that isn't with me?"

"James-"

"You think I'm happy? You think I'm enjoying this?" James yells. "Because I am not. It _kills_ me seeing you with someone who isn't me. It _kills_ me knowing that all I'll ever get from you is a fuck before you get married." His voice turns to a low whisper and starts to break. "My entire body hurts when it dawns on me that Carlos is gonna be the one waking up to your face and not me. He's the one who gets to kiss you whenever he wants and hug you whenever he feels like it. He's the one who can hold your hand in public and call you his. He's the one who can shower you with love and affection, not me."

James watches Logan furiously run his hands through his hair and listens to him mutter unintelligent things.

"He's the one," James swallows "you're getting married to, not me. So why are you 'hurt' that I'm fucking other men?"

Logan looks up and stares at James, his eyes wet from the tears about to fall.

"You know why it hurts." Logan snaps.

"It shouldn't because you don't love me."

Something flashes in Logan's eyes but he quickly looks away. James' heart does a somersault. James walks over to him and pulls Logan's body into his but the brunette won't look up.

"Look at me, Logan." James says softly.

Logan shakes his head, refusing to meet the hazel eyes that are patiently waiting for him.

James cups Logan's face and pushes his face upwards. Logan looks at him for a split second before closing his eyes, the remaining tears slipping through his eyelids. James kisses the tears away and Logan's lips tremble.

"Tell me you don't love me." James says quietly.

"James, don't do this." Logan pleads.

"Do what?"

"Make me say something I can't."

"Why can't you say it?" James asks, his thumb gently making circles on Logan's cheekbone.

Logan finally opens his eyes.

Brown meets hazel and James' heart does something weird. There's so much emotion behind Logan's brown eyes James' can't place but there's one emotion he knows very well. Logan used to look at him with that very same emotion when they were in high school, when they were dating. He never thought he'd ever see those brown eyes looking at him like that ever again.

Logan's looking at him with love.

Pure, heart wrenching love that takes James' breath away.

"Say it, Logan, say it." James coaxes softly. "Say you don't love me."

"I can't do that, James." Logan whispers, his eyes fixating on James' chest. "You know I can't do that."

"Then stop fighting it."

The smaller man sighs sadly, his hands coming up to James'. He intertwines their hands together but doesn't have the courage to look James' in the eye.

"I love Carlos." Logan says so quietly he barely hears it himself.

James' blood runs cold and he stiffens. He lets go of Logan's hands and steps away from the only person he's ever loved. He wants to scream until his throat is dry and he can't speak anymore. He wants to tear the apartment apart. He wants to punch Carlos in the face for taking Logan away from him but he manages to remain calm. He takes in a few steady breaths before he's able to speak.

He grinds his teeth together. "Get out."

Logan nods and leaves the apartment as quietly as he can. James slams the door shut and wills himself to finally let it out. He locks himself in his bedroom and breaks down, forgetting the man from the night before is still in his bed. He doesn't care. He crawls into his bed and curls up in the fetus position.

He closes his eyes and his subconscious takes over.

_God, James, you are pathetic. Absolutely fucking pathetic. He doesn't care about you, he never did. Move the fuck on because this? You lying in bed crying like a goddamn baby? Is getting you nowhere. It's making you worse._

_He moved on._

_So should your pathetic ass._

_You were popular, you had so much going for you and what did you do? You threw that away for some nerd who obviously didn't care about you. You threw away your football scholarship because of him. You aren't playing for the Giants because of him. Wasn't playing for the Giants your goal in life? Your biggest dream?_

_He took that away from you._

_He left you in the dust while he moved on. He's happy without you, James. He's living his life while you sleep in your bed and fucking weep._

_He_ left_ you, James. He left your sorry ass and guess what else?_

_He's getting married. _

_To your best friend._

_Stop being a little girl and move on. Learn to stop your emotions from taking over. Learn to be happy and find someone who cares about you, who isn't willing to throw away what you had for someone else._

_Stop crying and man the fuck up._

And he does just that. As soon as the man wakes up he fucks him more times than he wants to remember. He lets go of his emotions and his heavy heart and does what he hasn't done in a long, long time.

He has fun.

And doesn't think about Logan once.


	5. Chapter 5

i dont know how i feel about this chapter...

enjoy?

* * *

Carlos isn't stupid.

He knows people think he's stupid, including his friends but he isn't. He's smarter than they give him credit for.

He notices something's up with Logan when the brunette stops sleeping in the same bed. He makes up excuses and tells Carlos he either has to work late at the hospital, or he won't be home at all. Carlos lets it go, it's not the first time Logan has to work late but then he started distancing himself from the Latino. At first Carlos thought it was because he's having wedding jitters or whatever people call it but then he heard the fight between Logan and James and that's when his life came crashing down.

"_You broke up with me!"_

"_You're the one who walked out that door!"_

"_You made me!"_

_"I didn't make you choose a school a million miles away from me! I am not the one who ruined this relationship."_

Carlos can't stop the voices. Logan's and James' fight just keeps repeating over and over again in his head. Every time he thinks it's gone for good, it comes right back.

His best friend and fiancé dated.

And they're probably fucking behind his back. Carlos can tell from all the hickeys and bruises he's seen on Logan's body and he knows for a fact that he's not the one who caused it. They haven't slept together since they told James they were engaged.

It fucking hurts Carlos.

It hurts that they aren't telling him what they're doing behind his back. He wants to knock James out but he's not going to. He's going to wait and see if Logan has the balls to tell him what's going on.

Does Logan even want to be with Carlos anymore?

"Carlos, I'm home!" Logan yells.

Carlos gets out of bed and walks into the kitchen. There's a brand new hickey on the side of Logan's neck. He wants to get angry, god knows he does but he can't. He's too hurt to feel anything but pain.

"What happened to your neck?" Carlos asks before he can stop himself.

Logan's hand immediately covers the hickey, his face turning a bright crimson.

"I fell." He answers.

"On your neck?" Carlos asks flatly. "Wouldn't that cause your jaw to break?"

Carlos can tell Logan's trying to rack his brain for an excuse so Carlos just grabs his jacket and leaves the apartment.

His fiancé is fucking his best friend.

Ain't life grand?

* * *

Sex doesn't help James. It doesn't help take his mind off Logan. It doesn't help him with anything, it just makes things worse.

"Hey babe," a voice calls out "join me in bed!"

James gets off his stool and joins the brunette in bed. It's the man who resembles Logan. He's with him for all the wrong reasons but he can't bring himself to break it off. It's like he has his very own Logan clone with him. He groans inwardly. He sounds fucking pathetic.

He _is_ fucking pathetic.

He crawls into the bed and the man immediately wraps his arms around James' waist, placing hot kisses along his jaw.

"I have to attend a business conference." Trevor (it took James an entire week to figure out what his name is) whispers in his ear.

_I could care less._ James thinks. _I'm only with you to fill the void Logan's left._

"Bring me something." James grins.

Trevor smirks and devours his body and James moans. Just because it's not Logan doesn't mean it doesn't feel good.

* * *

Trevor leaves and James starts drinking. If sex didn't work, maybe getting drunk will. He stays at home and does nothing but drink. He doesn't go to work, he doesn't eat, and he doesn't do anything but drink himself into oblivion. Carlos tries to put some sense into his mind but James just ends up yelling and insulting his best friend. Carlos is already pissed at James for doing what he's doing behind his back so he tells James to fuck himself and lets him drown his sorrows in alcohol.

Kendall walks into James' room and finds him wasted. His heart breaks a little but he is not going to let James do this to himself anymore. If there's anyone who can knock some sense into James, it's Kendall.

Kendall slams James' door shut and grabs the bottle of vodka out of his clutches. James looks up and frowns.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kendall shouts.

James covers his ears. "Don't yell."

"Get your pathetic ass out of this bed."

"Go away!" James yells. "And give me back my fucking alcohol."

Kendall takes the bottle and smashes it against the wall. James' eyes widen.

"Dude! Do you know how much that costs?!"

"Is it worth you drowning yourself in sorrows?" He doesn't wait for James to respond. "No! It's not worth anything. He's moved on, James! You should too."

"I can't!" James screams. "He may not fucking love me but I love him!"

Something inside Kendall breaks.

"James," Kendall says softly "he's not worth your tears."

"You never said that when we were in high school."

"Because he didn't make you cry when we were in high school."

"Kendall, please, just leave me alone." James whines as he pulls his blankets over his head.

"No, you are going to go back to work and forget about that idiot."

"He's not an idiot." The brunette mumbles.

"He's an idiot for letting you go. Now get your fucking ass up."

James shakes his head and doesn't move. Kendall spends the next 2 hours getting James out of bed and forcing him to take a shower. He's just about to give up when James comes out of his room, all cleaned up and actually dressed.

"Let's go," James tries to say confidently "it's time I move on."

But nothing ever works out in James' favour because that night Logan shows up at his door. Carlos isn't home, he's working late and will probably go straight to Logan's after he's done.

James opens the door and has the urge to close it in Logan's face but he doesn't.

"What do you want?" James asks.

"I was worried about you." He replies softly. "Carlos told me what you were doing to yourself."

James' heart starts to pound rapidly in his chest.

"Goddamn it, Logan. You can't do this to me."

Logan looks up, his eyes starting to tear up and his lips starting to tremble.

"I'm sorry!" The smaller man cries. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't want to hurt you."

James sighs, grabs Logan's arm and pulls him inside, closing the door behind him. Without even thinking twice about it, he wraps his arms around Logan. The shorter brunette breaks down and clutches onto James' shirt, burying his face into the taller man's chest. James closes his eyes, hoping the tears don't fall and gently kisses the top of Logan's head.

"I know," James whispers "I know."

"I miss you, James." His voice shakes. "I miss you so, so much."

James hugs him tighter but doesn't say anything. He can't say anything. He's frozen with happiness but he can't do this to his best friend. If Carlos finds out about them, it will break him. It will cause him more pain than James and Logan went through in the past 6 years. They can't do this to Carlos, no matter how much they want to be together.

"Logan, we can't do this." James' voice is barely audible.

Logan stiffens under James' touch. He pushes James away and wipes his tears away. James lets his arms drop and looks at his troubled past.

"What?"

"You're getting married in a few months." James forces out.

"I thought you wanted to be with me."

"It doesn't matter what I want. You're Carlos'."

"I am no one's possession!" Logan shouts.

"No, you're not," James says quietly "but you are the love of his life."

"You know, I once was the love if your life too."

"Fuck, Logan!" James barks. "You can't fucking play me!"

"I'm not playing you!" Logan frowns.

"Then what do you call telling me to fuck off one second then telling me you want to be with me the next second?!"

"I was confused! Still am!"

"Fine!" James snaps. "I'll clear it up for you. You are getting married to Carlos."

"You want me to be miserable?" Logan asks, his voice dropping to a low murmur.

"No, Logan, I don't want you to be miserable but I don't want Carlos to be either."

"I hate to say this but I liked it when you were selfish." Logan mumbles.

"Really?" James asks dryly. "Wasn't it my 'selfishness' that drove you away?"

"Your selfishness made me realize how much I really lo-"

"Don't." James grits out. "Finish that sentence."

"How much I really love you." Logan finishes.

James growls.

Logan takes a step closer. "I do, James."

James takes a step back. "Logan, get out."

"We're finally together after 6 years, James." Logan says. "You can't take that away from me."

"Don't use my words agains-"

James doesn't have the time to finish because Logan's lips are attacking his. He grabs both sides of James' face and slides his tongue in. James tries so hard to resist but he can't. It's Logan for god's sake. When was he ever able to deny Logan? He mentally kicks himself in the nuts as his hands grab Logan's ass and hoists him up. Logan wraps his legs around James' waist and bites his bottom lip. James moans into his mouth and carries him into his bedroom.

* * *

Kendall walks into the apartment only to find a shirtless James hunched over a bowl of lucky charms. The blonde sighs. The only time James ever eats sugary cereal is when he's depressed and doesn't know what to do. He walks over to his friend and runs his hand through James' hair, using it as a comb and making the ends flatten.

"What happened?" Kendall asks.

"_He _happened." James laughs bitterly.

"I'm going to kill him."

"It's not his fault, Kendall."

"It's his fault you're not moving on."

"Maybe I don't want to move on." James says quietly, moving his head so Kendall's fingers aren't in his hair anymore.

Kendall drops his hands to his sides and stares at his best friend.

"You're killing me, James!" Kendall blurts out. "You know I can't stand seeing you hurt."

"Why do you even care? It's not like you're the one who's heartbroken." James mumbles as he stalks back into his room.

"You have no idea, do you?" Kendall whispers as he watches James leave.

* * *

Kendall nearly knocks Logan's door down before the brunette even has the chance to open it. He storms past Logan, into his apartment and waits for him to close the door before he starts yelling.

"Is everything alright?" Logan asks cautiously.

"I'm gonna pummel you to death!" Kendall snarls.

Logan blinks. "What for?"

"Stop playing with James' heart!" The blonde hisses. "He's already been through enough shit that _you_ put him through."

"He's the one that walked away! Not me!" Logan argues.

"He's not the one who went Columbia!" Kendall snaps.

"He broke up with me!"

"Why do you think he's not playing for the Giants, huh?" Kendall shouts.

That gets Logan's attention. Playing for the Giants was James' dream ever since he was a child. He'd always talk about playing football to Logan. He was so passionate and it made Logan love him even more. He was so excited when he got into NYU with his football scholarship. Logan closes his eyes tightly and waits for Kendall to elaborate.

"After you left he couldn't do anything! He didn't eat, didn't sleep, he just sat there, crying, _praying_ that you would come back. He lost his football scholarship because of you! He was so fucking depressed he was on the verge of committing suicide."

Logan's heart stops, his throat closing up and his vision blurring.

"I couldn't do anything to help him! No one could. The only person he wanted was you. The only person he loved was you. The only person he gave a shit about was you. The only reason he's alive right now is because his witch of a mother made him move back to Minnesota and work for the company. The only reason he's even able to breathe is because of her."

Logan collapses onto his couch, clutching his sides and breathing heavily.

"He was finally starting to get over you!" The blonde yells. "He was so close to moving on but no, you had to show up out of nowhere and fuck him over all over again. He is shattered. He doesn't even feel up to doing anything."

Logan shakes his head and pleads "please, Kendall stop. I've heard enough."

"No, I don't think you have." Kendall grits out. "Every single time he sees you with Carlos, a piece of him dies. I'm the one who has to see him miserable and depressed. I'm the one who has to stop him from harming himself or doing anything stupid. I'm the one who has to see my best friend slowly perish because you are too fucking chicken to tell Carlos what's going on."

Logan looks up and stares at Kendall.

The blonde's crying.

His green eyes are flaring with anger and hurt and so many mixed emotions but Logan can't tell because Kendall's eyes are blurry. There are tears pooling in his eyes and he's shaking. Kendall's always been the one person who can compose himself even during the worse times. He never breaks down, and when he does, no one's around to witness it.

Logan blinks, coming to a realization. "You love him."

"What I feel for him doesn't matter." Kendall seethes. "The only person who matters to him is you."

Logan doesn't say anything, afraid Kendall might actually kill him. He averts his gaze from the intense hatred Kendall's giving him and stares down at his beige carpet.

"I hate you, Logan." Kendall says. "I hate you so fucking much. You've put James through so much hell and you're going to do the same to Carlos. Either fucking choose James or get the fuck out of his life."

"I love them both." Logan admits quietly.

"We both know that's not true."

"It doesn't matter!" Logan cries. "Whichever way I decide to go, someone will end up hurt."

"If you and Carlos get married, James is not coming to your wedding. I don't give a shit what Carlos has to say. I'm not letting James go through that." Kendall's voice is calm and even. "And as soon as you two get married, you better leave New York. James needs to live his life without you ruining it."

He leaves Logan's apartment but not before slamming the door shut and making Logan grimace. He breaks down and spends the rest of the night is his room crying.

* * *

The next few weeks are a blur to everyone. Carlos' heart isn't in the wedding planning and Logan's so distracted he doesn't know where he is half the time. James spends his mornings working and his nights in Trevor's bed. Kendall's frustrated and he spends most of his time on the rink, avoiding everyone, especially James. He can't take the sad, depressed hazel eyes boring into him. It breaks him and hurts him more than he'd ever like to admit. He hates what Logan's doing to James. He hates that James is so in love with a fucking asshole that he doesn't see what's right in front of him.

Kendall loves him unconditionally and would never intentionally hurt James.

James means everything to him and so much more. He wants James to see that. He wants to open James' eyes and show him he's been with him all along. He's always been there for him.

He sighs, slamming the puck into the net.

What's the use?

James is never going to get over Logan.

* * *

this was only supposed to be james/logan centric and kendall was supposed to be straight but when does anything ever work out the way i want it to?

the answer is never.


	6. Chapter 6

_CrazyKendallLover71999_, ahah im glad. omg what about poor james.

_Cookie Monster Giggles_, i wasnt expecting it either tbh lol.

for those of you want kenlos to happen, it wont. im sorry, i just dont like them as a ship :/

i like this chapter.

enjoy!

* * *

The wedding is 48 hours away.

James is angry.

Angry that Logan didn't call off the wedding. Angry at himself for not being able to move on. Angry at the world for making him and Logan meet in the first place.

He just wants to put the past behind him. He's tired of pining after Logan when the other man doesn't even seem to want him. Sure, he finally confessed that he still loves James but what good is that when he's getting married in 2 days?

It's time to move on.

He snorts. How many times has he said that in the past few months? A shit load and still, he goes crawling back to Logan every chance Logan gives him. God, why did he have to be so fucking weak? His life would be so much easier of Logan just left. But even if he did leave, that's not going to do any good to James. He is still going to think about Logan. Let's face it, there's never a day that goes by without James thinking about Logan.

He sighs and slumps against the body behind his.

"Is this about Logan?" The man asks gently.

"He's getting married in 2 days, Trevor."

Trevor runs his fingers through James' hair and lets his hand rest there. James used to hate when people touched his hair. He loathed it and the only person who was allowed to touch it was Logan. But after Logan left he didn't give a damn who touched what anymore. He didn't have the energy to tell them to fuck off.

"Are you going?"

James scoffs. "Yeah right, like I need to put myself through more heartbreak."

Trevor nods and nips at James' earlobe.

James is in a relationship.

He laughs.

The last time he was in a serious relationship was back in high school. With Logan. That was the first and last time he ever committed himself to someone.

"What's so funny?" Trevor whispers.

"Us." James answers simply.

They're in a relationship, as fucked up and not serious as it might be, they still are together. James is with Trevor to forget about Logan and Trevor is with James to forget his ex.

They're using each other and James has found one person he can confide in. He can't go to Kendall because Kendall gets this look in his eyes, a look that tells James he's sick and tired of hearing the brunette whine and complain over a man who doesn't care about him. But Trevor, Trevor is different. Trevor _knows_ what he's going through and is supportive. Trevor understands his pain and his heartache.

Trevor understands _him_.

The first night they both confided in each other was messy. They cried and hugged and cried some more. But now they've become the closest of friends. James was never this close with Kendall or Carlos.

"I'm sure he wants you there." Trevor says.

James rolls his eyes. "Right."

"You did get an invitation didn't you?"

He did. When he got it he didn't even bother reading it. He just tore it up and threw it in the dumpster. He doesn't need to be reminded that the love of his life is off marrying the wrong person.

"What difference does that make?" James says bitterly. "Either way, he doesn't want to be with me."

"Right that's why he slept with you after 6 years."

James goes silent. Why did Logan sleep with him when he knew he was engaged? Why did he want to play this game, this game of getting James to chase him with no intention of being caught?

"Stop the wedding." Trevor says quietly. "Get your man back."

"Why don't you get _your_ 'man' back?" James shoots.

"Because my man made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me."

"Is your man getting married?" James asks but doesn't wait for him to respond. "I didn't think so."

"James-"

"Stop, Trevor, please." James whines. "I don't want to talk about him, okay?"

Trevor sighs. "Fine, but you're gonna regret it."

"The only thing I'm gonna regret is you if we don't have sex."

Trevor laughs and bites down on James' shoulder blade.

* * *

"Are you going to the wedding?" Kendall asks, stepping into James' apartment.

He should really take Kendall's keys back.

"You talking to me now?" James asks, not removing his eyes from the dinner in front of him.

The blonde takes a seat next to him.

"I'm sorry." Kendall says. "I was mad that you were letting Logan ruin your life."

"He's not ruining it, blondie."

Kendall cracks a tiny smile. He hasn't heard that nickname in ages.

"He's ruining mine." Kendall mumbles.

James looks up. "What?"

"Nothing." Kendall replies hastily.

"I'm moving." James says.

The blonde frowns. "What?"

"Trevor got a job in L.A." James shrugs.

"You're moving to L.A?" Kendall yells. "With your fuck buddy?"

"He's not my fuck buddy." James says impatiently. "He's more than that."

"Whatever." Kendall says flatly. "I'm outta here."

"Kendall!" James calls out but he's already gone. "What the fuck's his problem?"

* * *

It's the night before the wedding and James finds himself in bed with Logan. The past few months they both did a damn good job of avoiding each other. Even though James is the best man, he rarely showed up to anything. He and Carlos were drifting apart and Carlos never called him regarding any wedding plans. James was okay with that. He didn't want to face Logan anyway.

They can't fathom how he got into the same bed, again.

Logan looks at James' sleeping form. He's so relaxed and content. Logan wishes he can wake up to this every single morning.

When Logan imagined his life with James, he didn't imagine it with another man he'd be cheating on. He hates himself right now more than he ever has. He pinches the bridge of his nose and groans. This isn't how it's supposed to turn out. He's not supposed to be in bed with James and get married to another man in the morning. He's supposed to be with James, walking down the aisle toward _James_ not Carlos.

He loves Carlos, he really and truly does but his love for James runs deeper. James was his first, for everything. Even his first love. After 4 years of not being in contact with James when he went to Columbia, he thought he was over him, for good. He didn't think about James as much as he used too, didn't wish he could still run his fingers through James' silky hair, didn't dream of James' hazel eyes looking into his.

"Stop overthinking things." James' murmur snaps him out of his thoughts.

"James-"

"Don't worry," James interrupts "this will not happen after your wedding."

Logan can hear the sorrow behind his words and it makes his heart ache. He squeezes his eyes shut and doesn't say anything. He knows if he opens his mouth he will say a whole bunch of shit he would later regret.

"Let's just enjoy the few hours that we have left together," James says quietly "before you go off and marry the wrong person."

Logan sighs in exasperation and sits up. "You can't do that, James! You can't tell me I'm marrying the wrong person when you dumped me 4 years ago."

James runs a hand through his hair, his eyes closed. "I didn't dump you. You left."

The smaller man jumps out of James' bed and furiously pulls on a pair of James' sweatpants.

"I left to go to the school of my dreams!" Logan shouts. "You were so fucking absorbed in your own goddamn happiness you didn't care about mine!"

James purses his lips and gets out of the bed as well. He pulls on a pair of shorts and stares daggers. He's fuming.

"My only happiness was you!" James yells. "I fucking _begged_ you to forgive me! I left you a million messages on your goddamn phone to which you didn't even answer a single one. I was ready to get past the long distance thing but you obviously moved on."

"As if you haven't." Logan snaps. "All those men you bring home, what is that?"

"It's just sex! I never see them after I sleep with them."

Logan scoffs. "Well that makes you so much better."

"Says the one cheating on his fiancé." James spits out.

"God," Logan screams "what the hell did I ever see in you?!"

"Probably the same thing I didn't see in you." James retaliates but he isn't shouting anymore.

He just looks absolutely defeated and Logan's anger deflates. James looks exhausted and worn out.

"Leave before Kendall comes or he'll skin you alive." Is all James says before he walks into the bathroom and takes a shower.

But he doesn't leave.

He looks around James' room when his eyes catch something in the corner of James' closet. He walks over to it and bends down. It's a box. He knows it's not right to go through someone else's belongings but he can't refrain himself. He opens the box and what he sees inside makes his heart stop.

It's his acceptance letter to Columbia and his old favourite cardigan.

"What are you doing?" James asks.

He jumps and drops the box from his hands. He stands up and looks James in the eyes.

"Why do you have my acceptance letter and my old cardigan?"

James shrugs. "They were the only things I had left of you. Everything else, you took."

He shrugs his towel off and pulls on a pair of shorts.

"W-why did you keep it?"

The taller man looks at him. "I don't think you realize how much I love you, Logan."

Logan closes his eyes tightly. "James-"

"I tried getting over you, I really and truly did." James says quietly. "I forced myself to throw that box away every single day and I did. But the day I threw it out, 2 hours later it was back in my closet. I couldn't do it. You were physically out of my life but with your sweater thing I felt like I still had a piece of you with me."

Logan stares down at his feet and mumbles quietly "you always had me."

If it weren't for the deathly silence between them James would have never heard that.

"Did I?" James asks. "Because as far as I know; you're getting married."

Logan picks up his jeans off the floor and reaches into the pocket. He pulls out a tiny plastic ring and holds it up for James to see.

"Yeah," he whispers "you did."

James' throat swells up and his mind starts to spin. He gave that ring to Logan on their 3rd date. When he had given it to Logan he playfully joked that they were officially engaged. Logan swore he would never take it off but when he got together with Carlos, James was sure Logan forgot about it.

He was wrong.

"When Carlos asked me why I haven't thrown it out yet I told him it was because my baby cousin from Minnesota gave it to me." Logan says. "I didn't want him to 'accidentally' throw it out."

"You don't have family in Minnesota." James frowns.

Logan chuckles quietly. "I know, I just needed an excuse to keep it."

"Logan, I don't need this bullshit right now." James says, his voice broken and dejected. "I'm trying to move on, please let me."

"I don't want you to move on."

"Oh but you can?!"

"Does it look like I've moved on?" Logan snaps. "I'm getting married in less than 8 hours and I'm standing here, half naked in front of you."

"Then don't get married."

Logan blinks. "What?"

Before either of them knows what's happening James has Logan pinned against the wall. Logan drops his pants and the ring and looks into James' gorgeous hazel eyes. He brings his hands to James' face and gently cups it.

James leans in, their noses touching.

"Don't get married." He breathes out.

"You're the one who told me to go through with it." Logan whispers.

"I was wrong." James says, nuzzling his nose against Logan's cheek. "Don't marry him."

Logan drops his arms. "I can't do that to Carlos."

"You can't do it me either, Logan." The taller brunette chokes. "I need you."

He starts to place delicate kisses along the side of Logan's neck, grabbing the smaller man's hands and intertwining them in his.

"Dimples," James whispers softly "I love you."

Logan squeezes his eyes shut, his heart beating erratically in this chest. He wants to say those words back to him. His body is desperately screaming for him to finally give in. He wants to call the wedding off. He wants to stay wrapped up in James' embrace.

He wants to be with James.

But something inside him makes him stop. He refrains from attacking James' lips and from blurting out everything he wants James to know. He bites down on his lip and starts to push James away when they hear someone clear their throat. Logan's eyes widen and James jumps away like he's been burned.

Carlos is standing there staring at them.

James can't look his friend in the eye so he starts to leave so Logan can speak to Carlos but the Latino grabs his arm.

"Where are you going?" The Latino asks.

There's no bitterness in his voice, only immense pain.

"I think you and Logan should talk." James says, about to move again but Carlos' grip is firm.

"Logan and I don't need to talk about anything." Carlos says calmly.

He lets go of James' arm and James stands there.

Carlos looks Logan dead in the eye and says "the wedding's off."


	7. Chapter 7

this chapter is shit and i am so sorry for that.

it's also fucking short compared to the other chapters.

im sorry :(

* * *

It's deadly silent. James sneaks a glance at Carlos and his heart physically breaks. The Latino looks worse than he did when he found out his dog died at the age of 12. He's struggling to find something to say but nothing comes out. Those brown eyes that once used to be so full of love are disturbingly empty.

It's killing James. He desperately wishes he could take everything back. He doesn't regret sleeping with Logan but if it meant that Carlos wouldn't hurt, he would rewind the clock.

But he can't so he stands there, sick to his stomach.

"Carlos-" Logan starts to say.

"Don't." Carlos interrupts, holding a finger up. "Don't give me a fucking reason to be angry."

They both look at the Latino.

"You mean you're not angry?" James asks cautiously.

"I tried so hard to be angry. I _wanted_ to be angry. I wanted to tear your fucking face off but I was more sad than I was mad."

"Carlos, we're sorry." Logan says quietly.

"I can't believe you two would do this to me." Carlos says as he shakes his head.

"We didn't mean to." Logan mumbles under his breath.

"You didn't mean to? You didn't _mean_ to?" The Latino yells. "You _didn't_ mean to go behind my back and repeatedly fuck my best friend?"

Logan looks away and stares down at his feet, his eyes starting to tear up.

"It just happened." Says James.

"No, it just happens _once_! Not 10 more times after that!"

"We didn't have sex 10 times after that." James says flatly.

"Thin ice, James." Carlos glares. "You're on thin ice."

James sighs. "Carlos, look-"

"Is this your way of getting back at me?" Carlos interrupts.

"Getting back at you for what?"

"When Jason chose me over you in 8th grade."

James scoffs. "Are you kidding me? I'm over that."

"Then why are you doing this to me?!"

"Because I had him first!" James shouts. "I loved him way before you ever did!"

"You could have told me that!" Carlos retaliates. "You two could have fucking told me you wanted to be together."

"We didn't want to hurt you." Logan whispers.

"Oh yeah," Carlos snorts "because me finding out on my own is 100 times better than you coming clean."

Logan and James don't say anything, both of them avoiding eye contact with Carlos and each other.

"How could you do this to me?" Carlos asks, tears starting to fall down. "How could you go behind my back and fuck my fian-" he stops himself and pauses for a couple of seconds before finishing his sentence. "My ex-fiancé."

James looks down at his feet, the guilt eating away at his stomach. This is what he wanted to avoid. He didn't want to see his best friend like this. He didn't want to witness the Latino break down.

Carlos doesn't deserve any of this.

"We've been best friends since we were toddlers, James." Carlos says. "You could have just come clean and I would have broken it off with Logan."

Logan looks at Carlos. "You would have dumped me for James?"

"Don't even do that, Logan. You know you would have run into his arms the second we split up."

The door opens and Kendall walks in, immediately freezing in his tracks. The tense atmosphere makes him uncomfortable.

"Why is it always me who walks in on people wanting to murder each other?" Kendall mutters under his breath.

James doesn't look up, still fidgeting with his fingers and Logan's trying incredibly hard not to break down. Carlos wipes his tears away.

"So, I'm assuming you two finally came out." The blonde says.

Carlos frowns. "You knew about them?"

Kendall nods slowly. "I've known about them since high school."

"And you didn't tell me?!" Carlos yells.

"It wasn't my place to tell, Carlos." Kendall says softly.

"Some friends I have." Carlos snorts.

"Carlos-" James starts to say desperately.

"You know what, James?" Carlos snaps. "I've forgiven you for all the shit you've done in the past but this? This is the worst thing you have ever done to me and you sure as fuck don't deserve my forgiveness."

James' heart sinks. "Carlos, don't do this."

"This is the lowest thing you have ever done." Carlos grits out, fresh tears starting to form. "I'm only finishing what you started."

"Carlos, please-"

Carlos shakes his head. "This so called friendship is over. I hope you two have a nice life."

He leaves the room before James can respond.

"Carlos!" Logan yells, running after him.

James collapses onto his bed, burying his head into his hands. Kendall sits next to him and gently rubs his back.

"What am I gonna do?" James sobs.

"Just give him some time, he'll eventually come around."

"What if he forgives Logan?" James asks quietly. "And they get back together?"

"Are you kidding me?" Kendall snaps. "You just threw away 20 years of friendship and all you care about is Logan?"

"I love him."

Kendall stands up and says "I can't do this anymore."

James looks up at him, his eyebrows furrowing. "Do what?"

"You know how you were saying Logan was playing you?" Kendall asks. "Well, he's not the only one who was toying with people's hearts."

James blinks. "What are you talking about?"

"I was with you every step of the way. I was there when your parents got divorced. I was there when you realized you were gay. I was there when you came out to your mom. I was there when you told me how you felt about Logan, which I'll have you know, tore me up side. I was there when he left. I picked up the pieces he left. I watched you throw your life away, your dream away but I can't watch anymore."

"What are you saying?" James asks quietly.

"I'm done with you. I'm done dealing with your shit. I'm done picking up the pieces for you. I can't watch you pine over a man who doesn't love you like I do, not anymore. I don't have the heart."

James' heart stops. "What does that mean?"

Kendall struggles with the words he wants to say. He knows he wants to say them but he knows he'll never mean it. But he's done with James' bullshit. He can't watch James be miserable anymore.

He takes a deep breath before saying "it means whatever relationship we had, it's over."

"Kendall," James breathes "you can't leave me."

Kendall swallows. "Yeah? Watch me." He walks out the door without a glance back.

He watches Kendall leave, his heart shattering into a million pieces. He wants to run after him and stop him. He can't live knowing Kendall hates him. Kendall's the brother he never had, his better half. But he doesn't move. He just sits there, staring at the door.

He just lost the two people he could always count on.

Maybe if he wasn't such a fucking coward none of this would have happened. He should have just told Carlos everything. From the beginning. He sighs, sliding off his bed and slumping against it. He looks down at the plastic ring Logan left behind, along with his clothes and everything else.

He desperately wishes he could go back. He wants to fix everything he just ruined. But he can't. That's not how life works. He chucks the ring against the wall, hoping it will break.

It's plastic; it's not going to break.

One relationship ruined three.

And now he has to pick up the pieces all on his own.

He sits there, sulking, for as long as he can. His hopes for Logan coming back for him are exceptionally high. He waits and waits and waits but it doesn't happen.

Logan doesn't come back.

* * *

He does end up going to L.A with Trevor but he gives up modeling to work for one of his mom's companies. His mom wants him to be the CEO but he turns the offer down. He doesn't need that in his life right now, so he settles with selling the products over the phone. He and Trevor live in a loft Trevor's boss had the courtesy of giving them.

Trevor goes out almost every night, living the bachelor life but every time he offers James to come with him, he gets shot down. For a man who's trying to move on and forget everything that's ever happened, James isn't doing a very good job.

How can he forget it all though?

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan meant everything to him. They were the only people who James loved and trusted as much as he did.

He hates everything but it's all his fault. He brought this upon himself. Carlos hates his guts because he didn't stop himself from sleeping with Logan. Kendall hates him because, well, James doesn't exactly know why Kendall hates him but what difference does that make? He doesn't blame either of them for hating him.

He even hates himself more than they ever could.

He spends his night at home, eating takeout and watching old re-runs of Friends. He doesn't know why he watches it. The stupid show just ends up making him cry because it reminds him of Kendall and Carlos but that doesn't stop him. He watches it until he cries himself to sleep.

A day doesn't go by without him thinking of Logan, or Kendall for that matter.

* * *

guysssss, remember to vote for btr for the tca! they deserve that shit ok.

vote every single day!


	8. Chapter 8

so, this is it.

the final chapter and i just want to say now, please dont hate me. i know you guys were expecting more but i think this is how it should end.

* * *

**Epilogue**

**3 years later**

James is in the gym that's practically become his second home and pushing a barbell with Trevor spotting him. Trevor is telling him about the 'hunk' he met at the bar last night when he looks up and trails off. James waits for him to continue but Trevor isn't even paying attention.

"What if this thing fell on me?" James asks, putting the barbell back in its position and sitting up.

"I think someone's here to see you…" Trevor says dumbly and dashes out of the room.

James frowns and looks around when he spots those brown eyes.

His heart stops and his blood runs cold.

What the fuck is he doing here?

But shit, he looks so good. It makes him smile even because Logan got rid of the gelled up hair thing he had going on. His hair is down and James wants nothing more than to run his fingers through it.

And his shirt is a bit tighter.

He wants to stay and listen to what Logan has to say but a part of him wants to get up and run the fuck out of the gym. He's conflicted and doesn't know what he should do so he just sits there, looking at Logan who's wearing a look of determination and waits for him to come over. Logan takes a million deep breaths before slowly walking over to James. The closer he gets, the sweatier he becomes and the faster his heart beats.

"Hey," Logan says softly.

He doesn't bother sitting down.

James' throat is absolutely dry and doesn't know what to say but then he gets a flashback of the night it all went to shit. He remembers Logan running after Carlos and not coming back. He remembers he lost everyone and that just makes him bitter.

"What do you want?" James practically snarls.

"I don't understand why you're mad at me but-"

"You don't understand why I'm mad at you?" James snaps. "You left!"

"I came back!" Logan retaliates then looks around nervously. "Look, can we not fight about this here?"

"I don't wish to speak to you, ever." James growls, grabs a towel and starts walking to the bathrooms.

Logan sighs in exasperation and follows him.

"I came back for you, James but you disappeared. I tried calling you but you changed your number. The only reason I even knew how to find you was because of your—" He chokes on his word. "—When you were admitted to the hospital a few months ago."

James stops dead in his tracks and turns around, glaring at Logan.

"How did you know about that?"

"I got transferred to L.A's hospital last year." Logan tells him.

"Why are you here, Logan?"

"I'm here for you." Logan says quietly. "I missed you like hell."

"So you and Carlos didn't get back together and live happily ever after?"

Logan looks into James' eyes and takes a step forward.

"If Carlos and I got back together do you think I would be standing here?" He asks, taking James' hand in his and intertwining their fingers together.

James looks down at their joint hands and tightens his hold.

"Do you think we can try again?" asks Logan.

James pulls out the plastic ring with his free hand and slips it on to Logan's finger.

"I didn't lose my best friends over nothing." James says.

Logan's face breaks out into one of his lopsided smiles and it makes James' heart jump. He lets go of James' hand and securely wraps his arms around James' torso.

"I missed you." Logan whispers tenderly.

James brings his arms around Logan and runs a hand through Logan's hair. He kisses the top of his head and plays with the strands of his hair.

Kendall and Carlos haven't spoken to James since that night and it ate away at James' stomach. It made things even worse when James thought Logan was gone for good but standing here, in Logan's embrace he knows he's going to be fine.

Even if his best friends hate him, he's got Logan and right now, that's all that really matters.

Plus, Kendall will cave eventually and return one of his phone calls.

He never could stay away from James.

* * *

i couldnt have carlos forgive them, im sorry. if one of my friends did what james and logan did, id never speak to them ever again.

i really, really, really couldnt have carlos forgive them.

but thank you all to those who reviewed, alerted, and favourited. im proud of this fic and im glad you guys were with meeee.

thank youuuu so much, lovelies!


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